I have had a revelation. Like every other blog post. Apparently this blog is going to be all my weird ramblings that I used to put in notebooks... Oh well. I had nothing better planned, to be honest...
So here it is: I do not love myself enough and it is the source of all my undoing. I have been overweight and out of shape pretty much my whole life since I hit puberty. I have tried all sorts of things. Nothing has made a lasting difference. And it is because all of them were either based on negative self talk and guilt, or they involved unsustainable rules.
I've been thinking so much about how I want to spend my time and where to allocate resources lately. And diet and exercise were always a consideration, but I did not think of them the same way I thought about everything else. They were the negative part. The "I assume I can't do this before I even start" part. The "You should have been doing this for years" part. The "Why are you so lazy and weak-willed" part. No more. In the immortal words of the great Liz Lemon, "Shut it down."
From here on out, I am all about the self love. A healthier diet and time spent doing yoga will be a part of that because I truly believe eating well helps me feel good overall, not just in some annoying "I ate a carrot so I can feel OK about the cupcake later" kind of way, and I genuinely like doing yoga. But the primary focus is self love.
I have been reading lovely things on IG for a chunk of the day and wanted to do something a little more tangible about this new plan. So after 10 sun salutations and 3 minutes in "legs up the wall" pose, I am now going to list some things I love about myself.
Yup - I am that self-indulgent. And I own that.
I am honest
I try to see things from other perspectives
I assume I don't know all the answers and that my current thoughts and beliefs can and will change over time
I want everyone to be happy. Every. One.
I smile at people every day
I tell my kid and my man I love them all the time
I want to help people but I also try not to be up in their face about it
I am loving and I am kind
I am working on also being patient
My instinct is to be direct and clear in all dealings and I succeed at that most of the time. I love how much better I get at it with every hard conversation I have.
I love that I am not nearly as competitive as I once was.
I want to laugh over fight or cry and most of the time I do
I don't like drama and am good at avoiding or defusing it
I can bake like a motherfucker
I'm not a bad cook, either
I am tough and I am strong and I will fight for me and mine, and you and yours, and them and theirs, whenever I think the fight is just.
I love change
Saturday, February 20, 2016
Saturday, February 6, 2016
books | About Two Books and Love
This is such a great time of paring down, of resolutions and goals, of deciding what is important to me and what isn't. There have been so many things I am interested in over the years and I used to give myself shit for not following through on all of them. Ridiculous. Of course some things seem interesting and turn out, once I have actually tried doing them, to not be my cup of tea! How else would I know than to try?
But certain things have remained constant, and I am excited to dedicate this year to clearing out unwanted things to make room for those. Recently read Marie Kondo's excellent book on the "Art of Tidying" and man, did that speak to me loudly. So exciting to feel a kindred soul and, more exciting, have actions I can take based on that ah-HA moment. I so love to tidy. Not clean, mind you, I'm actually kind of terrible about that (she says writing a blog entry rather than taking care of the sink full of dirty dishes, two (at least?) loads of laundry, un-swept and un-vacuumed floors, and... and... and...), but I do so love to throw out unnecessary stuff, rearrange necessary stuff, find new uses for things and proper homes for things.
I also love yoga. I have tried to make a regular practice of it for years and, while the reasons I have not are varied (though all boil down to, "I just didn't, OK??"), part of it has been not just letting myself fall in love with it and engage in it from that perspective. Also reading the incomparable Liz Gilbert's book "Big Magic" (stop reading this and go get that) and she talks about staying with her writing through rejections and no money and day jobs, etc. And she says the trick was, she told herself she loved it. All the various aspects of it, she decided to say she loved, and she told everyone else so, too. It made so much sense to me. Like, a crazy amount of sense. I feel like that's exactly what I need to do in order to create and maintain a practice of yoga (as opposed to an "on again off again" affair).
I love yoga. I love the chewed up old mat I have owned for years that wasn't a great mat to begin with. I love the youtube channels I follow for it that feature girls fully 100 pounds lighter than I. I love their insane leggings (rainbow zebra print with reflective material? That's what we're doing now??). I love doing a 25 minute gentle practice and still feeling tired and sweaty at the end. I love the insane stretch in my hamstrings when I am in downward dog with my heels nowhere near the ground. I love the sense of quiet it gives me, even with a toddler running around, his toys all over the place, yoga instructor on TV yapping away, music playing from my phone... Somehow, there's a stillness anyway - what is that?? Besides fantastic? I love that I walk differently, better, after only a couple of days back on the mat. I love how much more aware of my stomach muscles I am (even if I do keep asking myself, "Could I be pregnant or something???" Universe, please hear this loud and clear - that was NOT a request!! Love you more than my life, my son, but Daddy and I are white-knuckle clinging to the fact that we still outnumber you tiny people). I love saying my affirmation to myself at the end, hands pressed together in prayer, head bowed in peace and humility, fully believing in the love. All the love. For all the things.
So what else can we say we love so that we do it? What else can I do with my current situation of limited funds, limited alone time (hello toddler!), and limited space (apartment living!)? What else is a, "Hell yeah!" not an, "I suppose I should..."? What else do I love?
But certain things have remained constant, and I am excited to dedicate this year to clearing out unwanted things to make room for those. Recently read Marie Kondo's excellent book on the "Art of Tidying" and man, did that speak to me loudly. So exciting to feel a kindred soul and, more exciting, have actions I can take based on that ah-HA moment. I so love to tidy. Not clean, mind you, I'm actually kind of terrible about that (she says writing a blog entry rather than taking care of the sink full of dirty dishes, two (at least?) loads of laundry, un-swept and un-vacuumed floors, and... and... and...), but I do so love to throw out unnecessary stuff, rearrange necessary stuff, find new uses for things and proper homes for things.
I also love yoga. I have tried to make a regular practice of it for years and, while the reasons I have not are varied (though all boil down to, "I just didn't, OK??"), part of it has been not just letting myself fall in love with it and engage in it from that perspective. Also reading the incomparable Liz Gilbert's book "Big Magic" (stop reading this and go get that) and she talks about staying with her writing through rejections and no money and day jobs, etc. And she says the trick was, she told herself she loved it. All the various aspects of it, she decided to say she loved, and she told everyone else so, too. It made so much sense to me. Like, a crazy amount of sense. I feel like that's exactly what I need to do in order to create and maintain a practice of yoga (as opposed to an "on again off again" affair).
I love yoga. I love the chewed up old mat I have owned for years that wasn't a great mat to begin with. I love the youtube channels I follow for it that feature girls fully 100 pounds lighter than I. I love their insane leggings (rainbow zebra print with reflective material? That's what we're doing now??). I love doing a 25 minute gentle practice and still feeling tired and sweaty at the end. I love the insane stretch in my hamstrings when I am in downward dog with my heels nowhere near the ground. I love the sense of quiet it gives me, even with a toddler running around, his toys all over the place, yoga instructor on TV yapping away, music playing from my phone... Somehow, there's a stillness anyway - what is that?? Besides fantastic? I love that I walk differently, better, after only a couple of days back on the mat. I love how much more aware of my stomach muscles I am (even if I do keep asking myself, "Could I be pregnant or something???" Universe, please hear this loud and clear - that was NOT a request!! Love you more than my life, my son, but Daddy and I are white-knuckle clinging to the fact that we still outnumber you tiny people). I love saying my affirmation to myself at the end, hands pressed together in prayer, head bowed in peace and humility, fully believing in the love. All the love. For all the things.
So what else can we say we love so that we do it? What else can I do with my current situation of limited funds, limited alone time (hello toddler!), and limited space (apartment living!)? What else is a, "Hell yeah!" not an, "I suppose I should..."? What else do I love?
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