health | stress

Man, do I hate stress. I am just so sick of telling myself it is unhelpful, working on steps to prevent or alleviate it, feel better for a while, only to be thrown off by some new issue. And I feel like I could be better about having routines and such in my life regularly to ease stress regardless of what sparks it. But that never seems to be the case.

Now I am all in a tizzy because my fiance's job has been super crazy for, oh, about a year. His stress, resulting bad mood, and inability to focus on anything but his job has left me feeling unwanted and unliked. Intellectually, I recognize this is silly. We moved to a new area and neither of us has enough going on outside of our jobs (for him, outside the home, for me, taking care of Cash), we are bored and lonely much of the time, and we need to get a life already! But that doesn't change the fact that it's hard to make the adjustment and emotions are what they are - they don't really give a fuck about what your mind thinks of them.

And then someone close to me who has been struggling with alcohol off and on for years had a couple of weeks of doing well, seeming to get her shit together, and now she's texting me at 2am from a gas station again... It could be nothing. But it never is. We were hanging out just yesterday in her clean apartment, talking about potential jobs, if she should move to new location for better access to jobs, eating pizza and laughing. It was so happy. And now I feel like it's all over. Again, intellectually - that's ridiculous. But I'm in a funk anyway. Slept terribly, had weird dreams, am surrounded by my loving peeps and still feel... just down.

health | love

I have had a revelation. Like every other blog post. Apparently this blog is going to be all my weird ramblings that I used to put in notebooks... Oh well. I had nothing better planned, to be honest...

So here it is: I do not love myself enough and it is the source of all my undoing. I have been overweight and out of shape pretty much my whole life since I hit puberty. I have tried all sorts of things. Nothing has made a lasting difference. And it is because all of them were either based on negative self talk and guilt, or they involved unsustainable rules.

I've been thinking so much about how I want to spend my time and where to allocate resources lately. And diet and exercise were always a consideration, but I did not think of them the same way I thought about everything else. They were the negative part. The "I assume I can't do this before I even start" part. The "You should have been doing this for years" part. The "Why are you so lazy and weak-willed" part. No more. In the immortal words of the great Liz Lemon, "Shut it down."

From here on out, I am all about the self love. A healthier diet and time spent doing yoga will be a part of that because I truly believe eating well helps me feel good overall, not just in some annoying "I ate a carrot so I can feel OK about the cupcake later" kind of way, and I genuinely like doing yoga. But the primary focus is self love.

I have been reading lovely things on IG for a chunk of the day and wanted to do something a little more tangible about this new plan. So after 10 sun salutations and 3 minutes in "legs up the wall" pose, I am now going to list some things I love about myself.
Yup - I am that self-indulgent. And I own that.


I am honest
I try to see things from other perspectives
I assume I don't know all the answers and that my current thoughts and beliefs can and will change over time
I want everyone to be happy. Every. One.
I smile at people every day
I tell my kid and my man I love them all the time
I want to help people but I also try not to be up in their face about it
I am loving and I am kind
I am working on also being patient
My instinct is to be direct and clear in all dealings and I succeed at that most of the time. I love how much better I get at it with every hard conversation I have.
I love that I am not nearly as competitive as I once was.
I want to laugh over fight or cry and most of the time I do
I don't like drama and am good at avoiding or defusing it
I can bake like a motherfucker
I'm not a bad cook, either
I am tough and I am strong and I will fight for me and mine, and you and yours, and them and theirs, whenever I think the fight is just.
I love change

books | About Two Books and Love

This is such a great time of paring down, of resolutions and goals, of deciding what is important to me and what isn't. There have been so many things I am interested in over the years and I used to give myself shit for not following through on all of them. Ridiculous. Of course some things seem interesting and turn out, once I have actually tried doing them, to not be my cup of tea! How else would I know than to try?

But certain things have remained constant, and I am excited to dedicate this year to clearing out unwanted things to make room for those. Recently read Marie Kondo's excellent book on the "Art of Tidying" and man, did that speak to me loudly. So exciting to feel a kindred soul and, more exciting, have actions I can take based on that ah-HA moment. I so love to tidy. Not clean, mind you, I'm actually kind of terrible about that (she says writing a blog entry rather than taking care of the sink full of dirty dishes, two (at least?) loads of laundry, un-swept and un-vacuumed floors, and... and... and...), but I do so love to throw out unnecessary stuff, rearrange necessary stuff, find new uses for things and proper homes for things.

I also love yoga. I have tried to make a regular practice of it for years and, while the reasons I have not are varied (though all boil down to, "I just didn't, OK??"), part of it has been not just letting myself fall in love with it and engage in it from that perspective. Also reading the incomparable Liz Gilbert's book "Big Magic" (stop reading this and go get that) and she talks about staying with her writing through rejections and no money and day jobs, etc. And she says the trick was, she told herself she loved it. All the various aspects of it, she decided to say she loved, and she told everyone else so, too. It made so much sense to me. Like, a crazy amount of sense. I feel like that's exactly what I need to do in order to create and maintain a practice of yoga (as opposed to an "on again off again" affair).

I love yoga. I love the chewed up old mat I have owned for years that wasn't a great mat to begin with. I love the youtube channels I follow for it that feature girls fully 100 pounds lighter than I. I love their insane leggings (rainbow zebra print with reflective material? That's what we're doing now??). I love doing a 25 minute gentle practice and still feeling tired and sweaty at the end. I love the insane stretch in my hamstrings when I am in downward dog with my heels nowhere near the ground. I love the sense of quiet it gives me, even with a toddler running around, his toys all over the place, yoga instructor on TV yapping away, music playing from my phone... Somehow, there's a stillness anyway - what is that?? Besides fantastic? I love that I walk differently, better, after only a couple of days back on the mat. I love how much more aware of my stomach muscles I am (even if I do keep asking myself, "Could I be pregnant or something???" Universe, please hear this loud and clear - that was NOT a request!! Love you more than my life, my son, but Daddy and I are white-knuckle clinging to the fact that we still outnumber you tiny people). I love saying my affirmation to myself at the end, hands pressed together in prayer, head bowed in peace and humility, fully believing in the love. All the love. For all the things.

So what else can we say we love so that we do it? What else can I do with my current situation of limited funds, limited alone time (hello toddler!), and limited space (apartment living!)? What else is a, "Hell yeah!" not an, "I suppose I should..."? What else do I love?

kids | Time

I worry so much about being interesting. What could be more boring?

See what I did there? Needed to be clever... Sigh

I went to school for writing. Spent thousands of dollars to graduate and work in a warehouse for minimum wage. Without the garret window and broken heart(s), somehow I couldn't see myself as a writer. Never have, really, except when I drink too much wine and make cut-up word poems. And I love them. Truly, they are some of my favorite creations. But I am (finally) coming around to the idea that being me as me might be better, and more interesting and, thus, more creatively beneficial, than being me as Writer.

Maybe it helps to be a mom. I don't know. But I am one now. 15 months in or so. I made my best creation, so maybe there's relief and release in thinking that it's all downhill from here. Now I can make whatever out of whatever because I made him out of love and food. Lots of food. Looking at you, coconut cake.

I worry so much about not being a good mom. Don't we all, sometimes even before we have the kiddos? But then I think about how I spend my days: playing with blocks and stuffed toys to the sounds of whatever music I put on for me and Cash, dancing with him and watching him try new moves (the sway is the current craze), singing, reading... All of it book-ended with feedings, diaper changes and naps. It's pretty fantastic, actually. And what more did I ever want in life except music and love?

Cash is in a phase of separation anxiety lately. I'm in his presence probably about 90% of his waking hours, and yet, at least a dozen times a day, he'll walk or crawl over to me and tug at me until I bend down to his level, pull him to me and hug him. He bumps his nose and mouth on my face (his version of a kiss), then presses his face into my neck. It feels like no more than two months ago I was achingly pregnant and wanted him to GET OUT, and then he was and I wanted him to shoot past babyhood so we could talk together and spend time at the park. Once he started to crawl and then walk, I thought it would be so much better, easier. But those clingy messy hugs. They're better, easier, sweeter, everything. Just, everything.

Time, slow down.

kids | New puppy in the house...

...Toddler not pleased.

At first, at least, Cash (my one-year-old son), was seriously displeased with our new companion. We adopted a Lab/Hound mix from the shelter in Durham, NC last week:

Brooklyn coming home

She was named Brooklyn and, while this would not have been my first choice for a name, my fiance liked it a lot, and we did move to NC from Brooklyn about a year ago, so I suppose it is fitting. I am still rooting for "Brisket," but perhaps the next dog...

Regardless, she's a puppy, and, therefore, rather jumpy. Sometimes even a little nippy... Cash was, rightly, freaked out about being jumped on and lapped at by something with 10 pounds on him and far more teeth than he. My days since have been similar to that of a ref at a hockey game - constantly separating the players to keep them from fighting when you know, deep down, resistance is futile. Our recent walk out to Sanderford Road Park was a nice respite. 

We walked about 1.25 miles from the house to the park. Cash went on the swings, Brooklyn dug holes near the swings, they crawled in the dirt together and bonded over their amusement at my desire and attempts to keep them from swallowing too much of it. There's that futility again...

Where's the next adventure?

Let's check that way!

Relations have been improving steadily ever since...

stuff | Best Made Co

I found the company, Best Made, through an article in HGTV magazine - a couple turned a '50s ranch into a modern house with camp-style touches (swoon) - they had this rockin' first aid kit in their sons' bathroom. After checking out Best Made's site, where I learned that all of their items are guaranteed for life and they have seriously cool info about adventuring, I was instantly a smitten kitten and wanted to share some of my favorite items from Best Made with you today.

Find out more about the company here.

The first Best Made Adventure, in Payette National Forest, Idaho. Photo by Nate Bressler

#goals #badges

Enamel Gift Set - toddler proof!

warm wool blanket

Kevlar Sheers - they can cut Kevlar. No joke.

The Bonded Duffle

The American Longbow - I've been wanting to get back into archery,
and what a stylin' way to do it

A Good Sign  to live by

The Bucket Bag - kind of need dozens of these for all the things rolling around our house

With the Grain... Book - can't wait to start making furniture, and this would sure help

The Odel Knife - reindeer antler in the handle, people. gorgeous.

Audubon Field Guides

Big Jug of Maple Syrup - from NH, so you know it's the best

Things I Love - A Never Complete List

I made a list of things I love in an effort to come up with a blog name I love. Not sure it was a perfect project, but it was fun. Here's the list...

raspberries
coffee with cream + sugar
bread
butter
sausage
steak
cheese
Cash (my son)
his smile
his laugh
the way he pushes himself backward while in a crawling position
my dog
my husband
his scrunch-face laugh
my nose wrinkle
wooden home goods
linen
gold thread
jeans
food
chunky knit sweaters
throws
scarves
wrap skirts all the way to the floor
block prints
sunshine
trees
the color green
water
lakes
love
hugs
too many pillows
roasted potatoes with cayenne and adobo
whipped cream
yoga
hiking
mountains
snow (to play in, not to shovel - this is a wish list, dammit!)
sunrise
campfires
Blanton's bourbon
plaid flannel
...